Say it ain't so

I heard something today about my doctor that, if it's true, devastates me to my core.

First, you have to understand my relationship with my doctor. He is amazing. I found him when I was pregnant with my first child. It was 2000 and I had been married for 2 short months. The doctor I had been seeing couldn't fit me in until mid way through my pregnancy, so I started shopping around. He delivered all of my babies, saw me through a couple of miscarriages and some other medical crises. He came to meet me for the first time while I still had my clothes on and he hugged me at every appointment. I have pictures of him holding two of my kids after they were born.

Two and a half years ago, I moved away from the city where he practices (nearly 400 miles away), but I still fly to him once a year for my annual check-up and I imagined I would do that until the day he retired or threw me out of his office, which ever came first. I saw him only two weeks ago. He had recently moved to a new practice where they give you real gowns instead of paper towels with arm holes. He thanked me profusely for following him to the new office and wanted to make sure it hadn't been difficult to find him. He was meticulous about his schedule and always apologized for any kind of wait, but at the same time, I never felt rushed and he was always available. So, what else can I say? He is amazing.

This evening, my friend called me to ask if I had heard. The doctor had committed suicide over the weekend. This, I had not heard. She is going to call me tomorrow to tell me if it's true. It doesn't make sense. My friend was supposed to have an appointment with him tomorrow, but his office didn't call to cancel. She heard it from someone else. But it just blows my mind. This cannot be real.

I hope it isn't true. It can't be. But if it is, may he rest in peace.