Taking on too much

I posted a while ago about the sudden death of my OB/GYN, Dr. Cliff Kahle. It was a real blow to me and I have recently been wondering about whether his death was just because of too much, and whether I am taking on too much. I heard he committed suicide, but I didn't know if that was true. In just putting his name in a search engine, I came across a number of his other patients who also blogged about his death and much he meant to them. One of them looked like she had worked with Dr. Kahle and it said he was found in a remote location, still in his scrubs, with a gunshot wound to the head. I need to be careful about getting what I wish for, because now that I know more of the specifics, I'm crushed all over again.

I always had a very high opinion of Dr. Kahle. He was quiet and kind. He was funny and obviously smart, and he cared very much about his patients. And I am consumed with why this happened. I think I might know why and it makes me wonder about me (and some people I care about very much).

Cliff Kahle was an excellent doctor. If the comments on his obituary are any indication, every person who ever came in contact with him LOVED him. He has a wife and four young children. He also was the medical director for both the family planning clinic at the Southern Nevada Health District and a medical spa. He was clinical faculty member for the University of Nevada School of Medicine. He was active in his church and (I think) had some kind of leadership role. Is all of that just too much to keep up with? I know some doctors who can manage their family lives and their practices, and that's all. How is it possible to keep up with 1) family; 2) a thriving practice of emotional, hormonal, pregnant women; 3) resident doctors and medical students; 4) private enterprises that want your expertise; and 5) a government agency overseeing the needs of high risk population and 6) the various callings of your faith (regardless of denomination)? In a way, it's no wonder this man was under pressure. I would imagine that when you have always said yes, it becomes impossible to say no. When everyone thinks you are perfect, it becomes unacceptable to start making mistakes.

I've had my own bouts with depression before. Pretty serious depression. I certainly don't know what he was feeling, but I understand the demon. Dr. K helped me get through the last one. After two devastating miscarriages, I wasn't sure I would recover from the trauma. The first one in particular was especially rough. I had seen the heartbeat. I was out of the danger zone. I was ready to enter the second trimester. Then, "this is the pregnancy tissue here, and that is not normal. I am so sorry". I didn't want any baby, I wanted THAT baby. The second miscarriage was just a cruel joke. But he assured me I would be ok, that he had experienced this pain in his own family, and that he would do whatever it took to help me. And he did.

So I am going to start being mindful of what I am doing and saying no. No more trying to be all things to all people. No more bending the rules to make someone else happy with me. No more taking on more that I can manage. But I am also going to start saying yes. Yes, I would love to take my kids to the park and play Candyland and read bedtime stories. Yes, I am going to take better care of myself. Yes, I will be a better mother, wife and friend. And I want all of you to do that too. Don't take on more than you can manage. Don't sacrifice your family time to take on one more obligation. Don't go to bed a few minutes later just to finish another project. Take care of yourself.

By the way, if anyone knows where Dr. Kahle is buried, please let me know. I'm sure it's somewhere in Las Vegas, but I don't know for sure and I would like to leave flowers at his grave site.